Road Rage is Ruining My Faith in Humanity

Hello Readers (Mom)!

I would like to talk about a subject that causes an automatic raise in blood pressure: Assholes on the road!

This morning, I was driving to CVS in my little Nissan Altima named, “Liam Nissan.” A road I take to get there, let’s call it “Happiness Ave,” was partially closed off in the opposite lane. As I approached a light, I saw a traffic director helping a car turn onto the partially closed lane; this confirmed that I could return home via Happiness Ave. I turned right off of Happiness Ave and onto a road I’ll call “Asshole Lane.” I took Asshole Lane to CVS and completed my business.

Now that you have some back story, here is where I encountered THE MAN. I was driving home on Asshole Lane and unfortunately, I was stuck behind a slower truck. All of the sudden, a car pulled up behind me and the driver began tailgating me. This was not the slightly annoying tailgating that can be ignored; THE MAN was so close to my bumper that I think he was trying to make our cars kiss. This didn’t even make sense considering I WAS ONLY GOING SO SLOW BECAUSE I WAS BEHIND A TRUCK THAT I COULD NOT PASS. Anyway (I’m trying to keep a cool head to prove the road ragers wrong), I approached the turn to get back onto Happiness Ave, the left turning lane was closed but I slowed down to check if the turn was still available ( remember the nice traffic director). The exact second I slowed down, THE MAN slammed on his horn. I swear he probably forced his entire body weight on the wheel. Naturally, I panicked and kept going straight, RIP Happiness Ave.

Now, I’m feeling irritated and a little too confident. Still behind the truck, still being tailed by an even more cranky MAN, I decided to slow down way below the speed limit to piss off THE MAN. Yes, I know this was a dangerous game to play. Thankfully, THE MAN didn’t do anything crazy (but you know the part of you that wants him to so you can prove your point and other people can see this shit that you’re dealing with). Lucky for THE MAN, Asshole Lane opened up and there was a second lane for him to pass me in. THE MAN speeds up to about 165 MPH and passes me and the truck. SILVER LINING: the universe was on my side and put a red light in the way of THE speeding MAN. Now I am at a red light directly next to him. SIR, YOU CAUSED THIS WHOLE DRAMATIC EPISODE ONLY TO GET ZERO FEET IN FRONT OF ME. I turned left onto Freedom Road, never to see THE MAN again.

I understand this story wasn’t a very big deal, but it is how I started my day and I imagine many of you deal with THE (metaphorical) MAN on a regular basis. Also, what is THE MAN like in real life if he cannot control himself on the road?????? People with road rage are the reason we can’t have nice things. Everyone should be required to take a test to determine their patience and temperament before receiving a driver’s license.  If you have any of your own stories, feel free to comment or tell me that I am the asshole and it was all my fault.


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